Will the real DJ Biggs please stand up?....?.....?
After a long hiatus, Im back. Hopefully I can find the time to go back to semi-regular posting, but we shall see.
I guess Ill just jump right into it! Lately Ive been feeling (as I have for sometime now) lost in my own life. Not sure which way to go or which direction is up, my thoughts spinning in circles, just the worn out from the overall fatigue of life. There are things I cant get out of my mind though I try I cant escape my past and fear my future. Ive been told that certain things I should just let, that I could not control them and that my involvement may not have made a difference. Keyword being "may", sure I could tell myself that I may not have been able to change things just so I can sleep at night. When I awake however the unknown is still there. Warning, this next part may raise some eyebrows if you know me but Im going to say it anyway............
Its been over a year and a half since that day. January 17, 2007 a day Ill never forget. I can still remember that night w/ crystal clarity, the places I was, the faces of people I was with, the laughs we shared. And then there is the messages on my phone, 2 simple messages.....I didnt realize how important they truly were until it was too late. What might have happened if my phone was in my pocket and not in the car, could it have been different, or would I have faced the same pain in a far worse way? Ill never kno of course, unless they master time travel. Fast foward 6 months, mid-August 2007..............
Mid way through work, it started off as a random thought.......a harmless idea. How could it hurt? Just trying to get back in touch with a lost friend, innocent right? WRONG!
I got home from work, sat at my computer, and a few keystrokes later I hit the brick wall that was built 6 months prior. A simple school newspaper article at first, a few lines later my life came to a screeching halt. "Ladies and Gentleman, we've just lost cabin pressure", it felt as though the floor had been pulled out from under me. There were 2 other articles outlining the same horrible news. I had lost one of the happiest things in my life, one of the best friends Ive ever had, and the one person that I thought truly understood and could relate to me.
It was then that I realized what it feels like to never fully understand how important someone is to you until thier gone forever. Its a pain that cant really be put into words, one that I wouldnt wish on anyone. There are those that claim to understand, but Im sorry to say..... no you dont!
The final 2 messages ........two back to back txt messages. They first saying that she got kicked out of school, the second asking if she could move to NY with me and asking what time I got out of work so she could call me. Time codes, roughly 9:30. I was already out of work by then and at a small informal christmas party, nothing important, just something to kill time so I wouldnt have to go home to an empty apartment. I didnt see these messages till almost 3 hours later. My replys were answered by nothing but silence. It was too late, she had already decided her fate. I just hope she didnt die thinking I abandoned her. Thats the last thing I would do to any of my friends!
I dont know why she didnt tell me she was having problems, I wish she did though. I would have have put my life on hold to go out to California and help her out. Why you ask? She was the kind of friend that you knew you should hang onto, no matter what! At that time in my life work wasnt a priority, school wasnt an issue, I had nothing to tie me here. A vacation in Cali for a few weeks, sure why not. If I even had the slightest idea that this could happen I would have been on the next flight.
When my replys went unanswered, I knew something was off, but never saw this train barreling down the tracks. Those close to her, at school with her saw nothing. For 5 days the lack of her presence went unnoticed by all, even her own roomate thought nothing. Thats is until she popped open the door and found her. Her lifeless body laid there for 5 FUCKING DAYS.....before anyone though "o lets go find her".
She left a note, her final thoughts. The articles contained excerpts of it, those alone were painful enough to read. Do i know what the whole thing says....no. Some day I might but for now that wound still feels too fresh. At this point I dont even know her final resting place to go pay my final respects to a dear friend.
Her messages always made me laugh, our conversations always made me smile (one that hasnt been shown since). We became friends some time around 2002-2003, it was the best of times. I just wish it could have been longer. I feel in some ways that this tragedy is holding me back, but i cant be certain. Am I afraid to get close to anyone again, for fear of going through the same pain?
-Jen Tse April 1986-January 2007
Now do you understand why its so hard to leave the past behind?
Why I wrote this, I dont know. Its been a constantly on my mind, hopefully writing about it helped. Probably didnt but hell at this point anything worth a try.
I know this post may worry some people, but dont read into what isnt there. Its stress and bottled up emotion, thats all!
Im tired, thats all for now, until next time....
I guess Ill just jump right into it! Lately Ive been feeling (as I have for sometime now) lost in my own life. Not sure which way to go or which direction is up, my thoughts spinning in circles, just the worn out from the overall fatigue of life. There are things I cant get out of my mind though I try I cant escape my past and fear my future. Ive been told that certain things I should just let, that I could not control them and that my involvement may not have made a difference. Keyword being "may", sure I could tell myself that I may not have been able to change things just so I can sleep at night. When I awake however the unknown is still there. Warning, this next part may raise some eyebrows if you know me but Im going to say it anyway............
Its been over a year and a half since that day. January 17, 2007 a day Ill never forget. I can still remember that night w/ crystal clarity, the places I was, the faces of people I was with, the laughs we shared. And then there is the messages on my phone, 2 simple messages.....I didnt realize how important they truly were until it was too late. What might have happened if my phone was in my pocket and not in the car, could it have been different, or would I have faced the same pain in a far worse way? Ill never kno of course, unless they master time travel. Fast foward 6 months, mid-August 2007..............
Mid way through work, it started off as a random thought.......a harmless idea. How could it hurt? Just trying to get back in touch with a lost friend, innocent right? WRONG!
I got home from work, sat at my computer, and a few keystrokes later I hit the brick wall that was built 6 months prior. A simple school newspaper article at first, a few lines later my life came to a screeching halt. "Ladies and Gentleman, we've just lost cabin pressure", it felt as though the floor had been pulled out from under me. There were 2 other articles outlining the same horrible news. I had lost one of the happiest things in my life, one of the best friends Ive ever had, and the one person that I thought truly understood and could relate to me.
It was then that I realized what it feels like to never fully understand how important someone is to you until thier gone forever. Its a pain that cant really be put into words, one that I wouldnt wish on anyone. There are those that claim to understand, but Im sorry to say..... no you dont!
The final 2 messages ........two back to back txt messages. They first saying that she got kicked out of school, the second asking if she could move to NY with me and asking what time I got out of work so she could call me. Time codes, roughly 9:30. I was already out of work by then and at a small informal christmas party, nothing important, just something to kill time so I wouldnt have to go home to an empty apartment. I didnt see these messages till almost 3 hours later. My replys were answered by nothing but silence. It was too late, she had already decided her fate. I just hope she didnt die thinking I abandoned her. Thats the last thing I would do to any of my friends!
I dont know why she didnt tell me she was having problems, I wish she did though. I would have have put my life on hold to go out to California and help her out. Why you ask? She was the kind of friend that you knew you should hang onto, no matter what! At that time in my life work wasnt a priority, school wasnt an issue, I had nothing to tie me here. A vacation in Cali for a few weeks, sure why not. If I even had the slightest idea that this could happen I would have been on the next flight.
When my replys went unanswered, I knew something was off, but never saw this train barreling down the tracks. Those close to her, at school with her saw nothing. For 5 days the lack of her presence went unnoticed by all, even her own roomate thought nothing. Thats is until she popped open the door and found her. Her lifeless body laid there for 5 FUCKING DAYS.....before anyone though "o lets go find her".
She left a note, her final thoughts. The articles contained excerpts of it, those alone were painful enough to read. Do i know what the whole thing says....no. Some day I might but for now that wound still feels too fresh. At this point I dont even know her final resting place to go pay my final respects to a dear friend.
Her messages always made me laugh, our conversations always made me smile (one that hasnt been shown since). We became friends some time around 2002-2003, it was the best of times. I just wish it could have been longer. I feel in some ways that this tragedy is holding me back, but i cant be certain. Am I afraid to get close to anyone again, for fear of going through the same pain?
-Jen Tse April 1986-January 2007
Now do you understand why its so hard to leave the past behind?
Why I wrote this, I dont know. Its been a constantly on my mind, hopefully writing about it helped. Probably didnt but hell at this point anything worth a try.
I know this post may worry some people, but dont read into what isnt there. Its stress and bottled up emotion, thats all!
Im tired, thats all for now, until next time....
posted by DJ Biggs at
11/10/2008 06:29:00 PM
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