I cant escape this hell......

So many times Ive tried, but Im still caged inside. (title courtesy of three days grace - the animal ive become)

Ill preface this rant by saying that i try not to have my thoughts sound like they popped from the twisted mind of a lost emo kid, doesnt always work.

As night falls I sit here in the silence and find myself grasping at the same straws, haunted by the same demons. No matter how good or shittastic my day has been it always seems to end the same way, at least in recent times. Sitting here in front of my computer dreaming of what seems to be unattainable, at least for now. I feel time escaping me, 21 years gone by in what feels like the blink of an eye. 21 years is a long time, too long for some things, far too short for others! I've been feeling like my life needs a jumpstart, but what (or who) and when? Stuck in the monotony of life i often question could this be it? Is this how its suppose to be for the rest of my life? Will i ever truely find happiness? Yes, I know these questions can only be answered in time but what if time is the enemy? I guess in some small part thats why one of my tattoos will read "tempus fugit" the latin proverb meaning literally "time flees". The general message I meant to express through this tattoo was cherish the time you have w/ those you care about, for you never know when it will end. Some say tattoos are nothing more then a fad, something to give you bragging rights or make you feel important. However i feel they should hold a deeper meaning, a timeless reminder of something or someone special in your life, that which you don't want to forget nor are you ashamed to show the world its importance. Im truly not sure what to think or hope for these days, Im beginning to wear down and loose faith....in everything. The true question is why? Am i just torturing myself over nothing? Am i stuck in the past, the could haves, the what ifs, just afraid to move on?

I did something today that i haven't done in a long time, i bought a book. While at its root this really isn't anything to brag about, in some small way it prompted this rant. The book "the dangerous book for boys" is an awesome source of random, yet useful info that the authors deemed "shouldn't be forgot", and thus far I would have to agree. However awesome, little bits and pieces got me thinking, which snowballed into part of this. Why is it that when we were kids, time seemed to be in an abundance? Those long afternoons after school of playing cops and robbers, chillin in a tree house, riding a bike, kicking around a soccer ball? Did we just grow out of that time of imagination? The possibilities were endless, time was irrelevant, every moment was an adventure. Since departure from highschool its all been slowly changing, or has it? "When your a man, you realize that everything changes, but when your a boy, you know better." A sad reality that im not sure how to deal with.........

At this point in my life do i just need a long vacation or do i need a fresh start from everything? My life is complicated, always has been, hell probably always will be. But how do you escape that which makes you who you are?

For those of you reading this who know me and are probably wondering if you should worry, don't. Im discontent with life, most of you know that. It is what it is, for now i float from one day to another, hoping this one will be better then the last.

-Dj Biggs